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Joe*k of the Day.
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Majiken
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PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 6:48 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. You won't get cancer—you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares?

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No…

Satan: Ooooh…You’re gonna HATE Fridays. Twisted Evil
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The Maj

Most people are like Slinkies ...
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but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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Deeghter
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:12 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doctor: I got bad news for you!

Patient: What is it?

Doctor: You only have one more day to live!

Patient: Well, I'm an optimist! Think positive! At least I have one more day!

Doctor: Yeah, but the bad news is, I forgot to tell you this yesterday!
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SFR's German electro-punk-bluegrass artist Deeghter @@ My S&JW Memorial Space! Tanx, Steve!
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Deeghter
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:17 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's written on the tombstones of every dead blues musician??

Answer: He didn't wake up this morning

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Lawman9297
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Joined: 22 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:25 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and brass balls?








..... SPARKY

Smile
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ddicerc
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:18 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found this at, of all places, National Review Online...

PUN INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Steve "DDice" Braun
The Diceman's Gaming Pages: http://ddicerc.weebly.com
2014-2015 U.S. National Champion
(Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...)
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DEEPBLUEB2
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Joined: 20 Nov 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 10:10 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


precisely my problem. Sad
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Deeghter
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 8:49 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

A robber breaks the window and climbs into the house when he suddenly hears a voice:
"Jesus can see you!"
He looks around but can't see anybody, so he starts filling his bag.
"Jesus can see you!!"
He looks around again and discovers a cage with a grey parrot.
'A parrot!', he thinks and smiles.
"Jesus can see you!!!"
"Yeah, yeah, Jesus can see me, stupid bird!" He giggles and, while dropping a golden candle holder into his bag, he asks the bird:
"What's your name?"
"Beethoven!", the parrot answers.
"Beethoven?? That's a funny name for a parrot!"
"Not as funny as "Jesus" for our bulldog behind the couch!"
Shocked


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Mr. Green Mr. Green Fan Club President Mr. Green

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SFR's German electro-punk-bluegrass artist Deeghter @@ My S&JW Memorial Space! Tanx, Steve!
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DEEPBLUEB2
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:37 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

An African Grey!!!
These are the best talkers according to my local parrot expert...
so what kind of things does the parrot say?
Do you let it fly outside?
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Deeghter
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:54 pm GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Danny (the parrot) lives with my ex-wife now! Crying or Very sad

Yes, he's outside of his cage all day.
He talks a lot of different things but the funniest is when we let him answer the phone! Laughing Laughing

The phone rang, we picked it up, held it near Danny and he said "Hallo".
The people calling us were very surprised, LOL.

After our devorce he stayed with my ex-wife.

Man, these grey parrots are intelligent as hell!!! We had lots of fun with him.
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Mr. Green Mr. Green Fan Club President Mr. Green

Forum Games Record: W 5 / L 10

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chuckpint
White Dragon
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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2011 5:32 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

The SPOON:

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You can never have too many dice.
First Place at the first ever Daemon Dice™ sealed starter tournament.
Battlefest tied for first GenCon 2012
Single Race Champion GenCon 2008-2009, Sealed Box Champion GenCon 2007,2009,
My collection is 21,500 Dragon Dice™, 20,000 Daemon Dice™, and others (too many to count).
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ddicerc
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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2011 9:31 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent!!
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The Diceman's Gaming Pages: http://ddicerc.weebly.com
2014-2015 U.S. National Champion
(Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...)
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Majiken
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Joined: 26 Jan 2005
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Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado USA "My dice are higher than your dice!"

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:10 am GMT    Post subject: Reply with quote

The other day I was in my back yard with a kite. I tossed it up as hard as I could, the breeze caught it for just a moment before it came crashing back down.

I tossed it back up, and it came crashing back down, and again, and again, and again.

My wife looked out the kitchen window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail!"

I yelled back at her, "Make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
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Most people are like Slinkies ...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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